Here I am...

Sitting in the Prayer Room, working... And Im beginning to cry.

Im doing my job in a way I have always wanted to do it, in a place I have always wanted to be. Im sitting in an environment where 100+ people are singing to God, angels are moving and stirring around, and Im sitting in the side of the room feeling my heart start to soften up as I amwriting custom reports!!! LOL.

People are pacing right near me, singing and praying in the Spirit. All I can hear is "You are Worthy". It is as if I am a database programmer in Heaven, sitting in a corner of the Throne Room and the angels and the Redeemed are flying around my peripheral vision and we are all doing what we are supposed to do.

Thsi is a sweet thing. So much so, that my heart isnt caught up with how heavy this is. The reality of my situation is slowly leaking into my conscious experience. It is surreal. I am playing catch up with my own life. Well, maybe I am playing catch up with the life God is living in me, and it is becoming progressively more concrete.

How long has God desired to give me this? How long was He waiting to bless me like this? How much pleasure does it give me to give my kids a dog, listening to them ask me over and over again, knowing inside my heart I already have one coming, and they dont know it. As an earthly father, I get this. How mcuh more does God feel the absolute pleasure of giving something special to His child? How mcuh joy is waiting for me that is currently stored up in heaven? How many surprises are in store for me tomorrow?

How many desires is God about to put into my heart, JUST SO HE CAN GRANT THEM OUT OF HIS ABUNDANT LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR ME???? JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES TO LOVE ME? JUST BECAUSE HE CAME AND GOT ME FIRST, BEFORE I EVER LOVED HIM?

And how much more of this is based not on my own ability to keep my life together, to do it right, to be a "good boy"? I tell you, I am a failure. I am a weak broken man who cannot maintain even a mediocre standard of behavior or faithfulness compared to most of the people around me, in the body of Christ or outside of it.

If you read this, all I can do is pray that you look at yourself and start to have you well defended, convienient, convoluted, self deceptive, mistaken ideas and walls ed so the reality of the Lover standing outside your gates can start penetrating. I dont care anymore what reasons you have for your own sense of disqualification from the Grace and Love of God who made you to love you, spend Himself on you, and bless you. You wont ever do it right enough, nor will you ever be able to avoid the Truth that He wants you no matter what you want.