I have a feeling
Im beginning to enter into a
Skew Flip.
I know the definition is something turning and heading in the opposite direction, but these kind of
maneuvers are also used as a way of changing dirction, and/or using gravity and other frces to accelerate or decllerate.
Thats what might be happenning in my brain. I have had some interesting discussions with some folks, about a subject that has so much gravity to it I find my head and my heart joining in a partnership I havent experienced for quite some time.
I dont know how to think well about these topics, and yet I know this is what I hav done for years, just in a slightly different context. I feel surprisingly confident about my own abilities, and what is now emerging is a certain interest in being more than just a reactionary resource, but a proactive, shaping, directing kind of way.
I normall am not like this. I like to play it safe. I can help, but I wont lead. I can throw my ideas in the ring, but I dont do anything more than that (thats also due to reality of my inability to administrate and detail manage without external help and controls). I can tell you whats wrong analytically, and even try and help imagine a better solution, but Im never able to be in the day to day execution.
I have found that I dont like to bulldog my way into things, because I dont like other eople doing that, and I dont want to be like that. So I hint and hmmm and haaa, and suggest, waiting for someone to notice what a special person I am and invite and/or pursue my involvement. I realize this self protectionary behavior has outlived its function. It is great when you are full of immaturity, lack your own sense of identity, and want to make sure you arent doing things for self gratifying promotion.
However, there comes a time when you have to admit how God made you, what you are interested in, what you want, and then make every honest, healthy attempt to do it. YOu keep open ears to God for warnings and signals to back off. You listen to friends when they tell you you might be over the line. You mae sure you err on the side of caution, because no one wants to be an arrogant idiot (well actually we all like t be it, just not to come accross that way).
What Im really talking about is a deeper place of masculinity. Masculinity is a state of being, not a code of conduct. And all men and wopmen grow and develop into deeper expressions of this as they mature. For someone like me, this process has been so long and so difficult and fraght with error because I hated men, but I really just hated the false image of men. I had to get through that, and then I had to get through hating women. I hated everybody. At least I was fair.
Then I had to start growing. And the I had to get over hating myself. I still struggle with that more than I want to. That mgiht be one of those things we dont get out of until we get into the new.
But I have been in this for a long time. I cannot mumble falsely humble things and self deprecate myself just to try and make sure Im not being self promoting. The reality is, God ahsnt led me through the last 10 years with no fruit. Im not playing tiddly winks here. I might have a lot of growth to do, but that doesnt have any bearing on how much I have grown already.
There is a time, and I think I am hitting it, where you have to look at yourself honestly, and adjust your understanding of yourself. Im not talking pumping yourself up. Im talking about honestly recognizing where you have changed, grown, developed, and update your own profile. We are so familiar with the weak and the broken parts (hopefully). It takes us so long to inventory those thigns, and it takes so much effort to maintain a lifestyle of avaiability to Holy Spirit to grow in them, that you can easily allow personal morbidity to ovettake honest evaluation.
I think Im starting to experience this process. Im not entitled to anything. I havent earned anything. I have followed Yeshua through my own valley of shadows of death. I am confident in death, but I havent made the transition to confidence in Living. Im not fighting a daily battle to get the bad out. Im not living a daily experience of trying to fill up with good. I feel as if Im starting to say "I can die when He tells me, I can fill up when He tells me, so Im going to start tenderly, haltingly, finding my own legs and walking alongside Him".
He has a place for me, and land, a field for me. It was mine befoire I was born. 38 years of work so far to get me ready to go see it. I will continue to grow, and die, but as I start working my own inheiritance from Him. I want Him to look at me and say "You did good. You know why? Because you let me do it through you". The key word is Through. God made me on purpose. He likes the ME part as well. He likes Him, and He likes ME. And I need to do something about it.
