Friday, November 13, 2009

Injustice for Children

Our firend Tracie wrote a painful article

I sure understand the anger. I think the thing that helped me the most was at Lakeland with an autistic girl who was demonized. As I carried her through the prayer line (kicking, screaming, biting and trying to choke everyone) it was an ordeal. By the time I was done, I hadnt realized how intense it was, and I staggered around for a bit trying to collect myself. I was so angry. I was so painfully connected to the injustice of a child who did absolutely nothing to deserve any of this, and yet was so bound and hurt and oppressed, and seemingly powerless.

I was very upset and confused. And then things got very clear. I saw a vision and I was standing in a great big circle of people. In the middle of the circle was Yeshua, Michael, and Lucifer. Lucifer was reduced to kneeling in front of Messiah, and confessing the reality of Lordship. And as he did, Yeshua was somehow looking at everyone. I was standing next to this girl, and both Yeshua and Lucifer were both connecting with her. Yeshua was executing Judgement on Lucifer for bring sin and destruction, and oppressing this child. Every ittle experience of hers, no matter how subtle or misunderstood, was made clear. Every bit of pain she ever had in her life was being laid bare, and placed on the source of her suffering, namely the enemy.

As Yeshua continued, it was obvious that as He was judging satan, everyone was experiencing this in a very personal way. He was reconciling things, and bringing justice, in a far deeper, and far more detail way than humanly possible. And to be sure, the corresponding deposits and corrections He made on behalf of everyone far outweighed even the most seemingly hurtful and horrid experiences they had. I believe they all would say that it was actually worth it, not just simply worth it, but that literally it was made far more in their favor in that time then anyone can conceive of. It was so tangible I think we need new bodies and minds just to endure the outpouring of Justice and Correction that will occur.

This isnt PollyAnna. I know it is unfair, and I know it is wrong. But I also know now, that this short time, with so much confusion and apparent injustice, is not only fleeting, it is a lie. We are tempted to feel so bad about it now, and yet it will seem so distant and insignificant when eternity is made present to our hearts.

Poor Emma now. It is unfair. But might we end up being provoked by the majesty and beauty she carries when Justice is made final? Perhaps that might help me let go of some of it, and Dear God please give us all Grace to let out the rest....

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Where does it all go???

Im struggling with the reality that Im not working much, yet it seems like I have no time... Nothing significant is getting done. Im confused...

Another piece of reality that is becoming clear is the nature of the curse of fallen man. The other day, I stopped whatever it was I was dong, sat down on the floor, and spent a few minutes wth Havah. It isnt like Havah doesnt just walk around and get attention from any of us, but I remember clearly having to do something, and making a happy detour. As she turned around, and slowly backed into my lap, talking about something while waving a sippy cup around, I had this realization.

This was what it was like in the Garden. Eden I mean. Admah didnt have to go work at something away from his family. He wasnt under any pressure to go "do" anything. There wasnt a prevailing concern about bills, a house, or anything else.

It isnt that he didnt work. They all did. But the work wasnt tied to their security, safety, or provision. Work was as much an outlet for creativity as anything else. I doubt seriously we would recognize it. What an unbelivable transition Adam and Eve had to make as they left Eden.

It is so precious to be at home right now. To be with Judah and Israel when they are at my house is so special. So much is changing with them, and it is so important to be with them, and especially to simply enjoy them. Havah is so special as well. In fact in my heart, it is even more special to see Havah wth her sisters. She brightens up even more than normal, and the interaction is so special.

Im starting to panic again. I go through cycles of confusion, as well as fear. If I was objective, I would probably be out trying to work 3 jobs, which wouldnt do enough to get us out of our hole yet. There is a part of me that would rather go down in flames than not see my kids. I have such a short window with the oldest right now, and I dont know what to do. But I realize that is part of being in a fallen world. It wasnt supposed to be this way, Im not really designed to understand or know all this. I am supposed to trust, obey, walk forward. My wife is such an inspirationw hen she says "Im committed not to worry". Im trying too...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pieces Missing....

I get Danie and Havah tomorrow....

It has been a long 7 days. And it has showed me some stuff...

1. I remember being very alone. Im 39+ years old now. I had been single for 2 years as an adult before I was married. Then I had a nightmare for 4 years punctuated by incredible blessings with the birth of my Israel and Judah. Then I had a really long period of time (8+ years) where I was single. It is hard ot be signle for many, and it was hard for me. Just being single has its challenges. My biggest problem is staying active and engaged. I simply just back down, and tune out. I have experienced the reality as well that being married to a broken person, as well as being very boken myself, is a nightmare almost, if not worse than, being single. However, I need to remember how hard it can be to be single as an adult, especially someone in their 30s. Just a reminder to me to make sure to reach out and bring those single folks in my life around as much as I can. We all need family in one form or another.

2. I remember being overwhelmed with my kids. As a single person dealing with my own issues, having kids on top was such a welcome focus. It interrupted my own dull world, and my own dead space. But it was also overwhelming. Israel and Judah are such blessings. As they have gotten older, it has become easier and easier to parent them. Aside from all my failings, an poor judgment as a parent, the joy of them overwhelms all other things. However, 4-5 years ago, I was drowning. I didnt even realize it. Being a parent is hard sometimes, being a single parent can feel like swimming with handcuffs. It is worth it, but can be very trying. Dont forget the single parents around you. Connect wth them, especially the ones that are the main parent, or the only one. Visit if you can, or have them over, or get them a break.

3. What a joy babies are. Havah is about ready to enter the toddler stage. Its a fun, but trying time. She seems to have taken on some of her mothers headstrong, willful personality traits (THAT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE). That makes it more challenging, yet she also seems ot have taken on some of the fun, silly aspects of her older siblings. But even without that, when a baby is around, things are always brought down to mroe simple levels, and everything seems like th efirst time. Opening a cupboard, banging a stick, saying something funny, even walking into a room with a bby who knows you can make them smile. The noises that babies make are unique, and when they are gone, the lack of theose noises somehow make things seem much nore dead.

4. What a joy my big girls are. It is becoming a lot of fun being with Israel. She is such a dear person to me. Sitting with her, listening to her, trying to think about the situations she is talking about, and how she is working through them. It is all so neat. I had no idea this would be so fun. Israel being such a great and sincere kid makes it much easier of course. I have joked for years about teenage years coming, but honestly, they might be one of my favorite seasons so far. When Isael was little, she was like music, walking around in and around my life. But there was a lot of turmoil too, lots of pain, and lots of fear. Now, watching her, and learning how to be with her as a woman, all that music has changed into a different song that is much sweeter, and much richer than I ever could imagine.

Judah is still like a walking party. Her brain goes so fast! And she has retaind one of the most precious aspects of her personality, the ability to get her sister and I laughing. She spazzed out the other day at the Post Office. She gets goin on something, and as much as Israel tries to act liek she is bothered, and as much as I try to keep up with her, at some point she is fully committed ot her own silliness that Israel starts laughing and egging her on, and I play the role of patronizing father trying to "bring her back to reality". Judah is also such a deep thinker. And she is so tenacious. And then just when I hit my limit, these beautifulm compassionaite, sincere feelings and thoughts being to come out of her, and you realize there are layers and layers to this girl/woman that are still coming forward.

5. Of course, what a joy Danielle is. I am experiencing the Proverb "He who finds a wife finds a good thing". My bet is, considering the Proverbs about nagging wives and women trouble, it is probably translated better "He who finds a good wife, finds a treasure". This isso clear to me and those around me. As Judah said "Dad, I dont mean to be offensive, but Danie is kind of the glue that holds us all together. When she is hear, the Living Room doesnt look like this". As she said it, she was pushing up against me trying to act out in the physical what she was saying, wrapping herself around me and trying to be like the "glue" around bircks in a wall.

Danie is my best friend, and after 3-4 years together, 1 baby, an ex-wife, and 2 pre teens, a corss country move, and financial trouble, still hanging with me and making me a better man. I enjoy her as much as I like her, and this time apart only proves to me how important she is.

6. Im not as dysfunctional as I was. WhenDanie would leave, for a few days before, I would get grumpy and frustrated. In reality I was reliving the tyranny of being alone, and even left alone. I would shut down, not go out of the house much, kind of regressing. Each time she would leave, Iw ould do a little better. This time, it hasnt been a strain at all except for the celar reality of missing her. Im still growing a lot, and this is proof.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

So why is this so shocking????

Danielle sent me a picture she found the other day on a website about dairy consumption (I think). Anyhow it is a cute picture, but also a provocative one. I realize as I look at it, it would cause shock or prurient interest in certain people, and I realize that is a real problem.


Im not saying the female body isnt beautiful. But I am concerned with how womens bodies, their femininity, and the concept of breast feeding is so sexualized. Thats a terrible thing. We reduce women to no more than objects when we sexualize them, and attach our own needs and trauma to them.

Think about it. For EVER, women have fed their own children, and the survival rate of humans has continued ot grow faster than the death rate. And then businesses got into the food chain, and started manipulating women to do things other than nurture and care for their children. Im not judging the women who make these decisions, only the results.

You take a child who WANTS to breast feed (ever seen one? I had 3), and withhold it for convenience sake, or the myth that it isnt "nutritious" enough. The child would have suckled anyhow. Then you take that same child and tell them later "Those are sex object. Dont look, dont touch" Fair enough, because we wear clothes etc... So men get an image of mystery tied to their need, and women get a sense of disconnection from theirs.

But then they see porn. Men react, and become lustful, and objectifying. Women become insecure, and confused.

It goes way weirder than that, but Im just talking off the top of my head.

Im not advocating people just unclothe or expose themselves without regard. My wife is very modest about breast feeding, yet she shouldnt be objectified for having breasts, nor should she feel insecure of bothered by her own body (she doesnt, and neither do I!). I just think there are connections with how we treat women, how we then treat their bodies and the wonderful gifts and roles they have, and turn them into awful things instead of beautiful ones.

Lets repent.....

Thursday, June 11, 2009

My friends next home...

I have a few new friends, ones I enjoy talking with, tickling, hanging upside down, and trying to talk with. Especially Houdini.

They all used to live far away, but some other firends went and got them, and took them into their own crowded house. The only way to describe it is the term "delivered".

This is where they were headed. The only term I can think of for the people that go here is "Angels". Im feeling so pissed off I dont have a million dollars right now. Im angry and hurt and cofused about how this happens, and Im afriad of finding out the reality.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Jesus is my Friend

Fantastic blog post to You Tube and then I saw all these different remixes. I like the Acid Trip one....



Acid Trip

Monday, June 01, 2009

Goodbye George Tiller....

I cant say I will miss you. You were a murderer, and guilty of not only killing, but helping people kill. You reapd what you sowed, except that you probably should have been dismembered and burned with saline before you actually died. Perhaps that was mercy. I sure hope by some miracle you were able to reconcile with forgiveness and escape the tormen you were headed to in those last moments.

While I dont participate in modern Institutional Christianity, I cannot help but be astounded at the reality that some organization affiliated in some way with Christ would EVER allow a man like that inside their building. It is one thing if a person who dosnt claim to be a follower does this kid of thing, that isto be understood. But as soon as you claim to be a follower of Christ, and then explicitly do things like murder, and facilitate murder, you should be removed and never allowed back until you have clearly turned.

I hurt for the family of this man, wether they supported him in his work or not. He supported his family with death, but I dont know their positions on it. I can only hope that in Gods inifinte wisdom and love something good comes out of this.

Im not sure if I condone or condem the shooter. I cannot say I feel bad this man is dead. I dont think it will stop abortions, even at his facility. But I cannot deny the reality that in the Tanakh, God directed his people to do similar things to similar people, and to disobey was sin. The whole God who changes not problem arises as well, so I cannot really say what happenned was wrong.

However, I cannot condone it easily either, as vengence isnt ours, even on behalf of the babies. Unless God directs us, and that opens up a can of worms I cannot bear to deal with.

I know this, I would have hoped and loved to have seen this man repent, and turn away from this. I wished he could have been truly saved from this. Im pro-life, but Im not a pacifist nor am I a viglante. Im a follower of Christ, and Christ loved that man, and died for him and desired earnestly that George Tiller would have had eternal fellowship with Yahweh in all pleasure and fulfillment. He wanted hime to be forgivedn, and Im confident strove with all his power to bing that man into freedom.

The main difference between George Tiller and Christ is Christ died of his own choice for what he believed, while George Tiller killed others by his own choice for what he believed.