The nature of worship and devotion

Not like I can expound on this in any prfound way, but here are some concepts that came to me inprayer and music today....

1. God is not some NARCISSTIC BEING.

For example, I believe that most of the teaching and examples we have of worship portray God as this being at the center of creation with people/beings fawning over HIM. And while it is totally reasonable to respond to HIS awesome Person this way, it ISNT BECAUSE HE NEEDS IT!!!!

I am not really sure that God made a bunch of things to worship HIM just because He gets off on it. In every other way God is self-actualized (bad word but I dont know how to express it). He doesnt NEED us to be whole, He is what wholeness is. And yet He makes Himself vulnerable to us somehow.

But somehow along the way I have gotten some legalistic idea God wants to be worshipped and created a whole eternal party where He is the center and walks around benevolently condescending to the party goers who got it right enough to get His attention.

I didnt make this up!! I was taught it in several different ways, directly and indirectly. There are the "protocol" specialists that think Holy Spirit cannot fellowship without the right lighting and sophistication (HOW DID I GET SAVED THEN?). The others are convinced you must "breakthrough" and scream in tongunes until you have a spiritual awakening.

Still others explain God has a method, and this method must be adhered to specifically (Praise, Worship, Prayer, Confession) etc... types of worship, experiences blahblahblah

I cannot even list all of it, but I swear I have been battling this perception that worship is somehow this context of climbing up a process hill to end up at a poin t or state of connection.

2. Worship was created for us, not Him. We dont really recognize what worship is. We use that term as a verb when really I am thinking of it more as an adjective (I think that would be right
). Worship is relating to God directly, and there are conditions that are required, just as they are for relating to anyone, but the worship itself is not the requirements, it is the very act of connecting with Him.

I dont think I am making sense yet, but I am trying...

3. Devotion. In prayer and "worship" (I was connecting with God) I really began to sense the role of Bride to Him. When I was married (and it wasnt a healthy ,marriage so the model begins breaking down eventually) while it was nice to have someone really fawn over you, it was a million different actions that made a huge impact. Coming over to work and sharing lunch with me, bringing the baby by to see me or call me on the phone, trusting me to make a good decision, laying her head on my shoulder and just resting, allowing me to rest my head in her lap and just be quiet. For everyone there is personal things that mean a lot more than a constant stream of "devotion" type word.

It would be embarassing to have someone you are married to constantly bragging about you, bragging about you to your face, always approaching you with words and action like we do in gatherings. It would be insane actually.

I dont know if this connects well, but I need to understand relating to God past all the trappings and rote and routine that has been presented, and realize He is a REAL PERSON. Although not human, humanity reflects Him, and He desires relationship with us, but I doubt seriously He is hoping for a bunch of people to keep telling Him how wonderful He is over and over again and never going deeper into KNOWING. We all like to be loved and admired, but that is shallow compared to the richness of relating to each other deeply.

I will stop now....

I am a flake

I just remembered I started this....

OK. So after weeks of thinking I am hearing, and getting loads of incongruent feedback, I am pretty sure God is saying "Stop, put down the music thing, and back away slowly".

Interestingly enough, He told me via several different ways that He wanted me to spend time with Him, and get centered. I always forget, God seems to talk about stuff WAY before it comes. Some of this, I have been mulling over for months, thinking it happenned already, but it didnt. It is now.

Spend some time (measured in years I think) focusing on Him. In fact, even stanger, STAY AWAY FROM THE CHURCH WITH YOUR GIFT!!!! Weird. I am actually more stable and ready to do things outside of gatherings of the Body, than in it. Due in no small part ot idolatry, passivity, and a host of other things that I seem to get tangled up in.

I BELIEVE it is for my PROTECTION, but primarialy for me to take a chance and get focused on ministering to HIM first, not playing some music people like, and want to use to prep their meetings, or their techings, or get "their thing" done. I am honestly looking forward to having a heart change and ministering directly to Him alone, for His benefit. Along the way, I might go play in a abr, or a coffe shop, or a beach, or a park. And I might use this prophetic stuff to fish a little and see if someones heart is ready to hear about Him in a way they might now know.

Mostly, it is a way to pray and prophesy without words. Words get in the way ( a song here perhaps?). They carry the meaning and intent of the speaker, so it is easy for me to get screwy.

But music, and the "prophetic" (need new word here) depend on the Spirit to interpret and apply them. I just broadcast the signal I get, and beleive HE has a message for someone else.

But that is not the goal. The goal is HIM. The goal is to be satisfied with Him alone. Sincerely, not just relgiously. And now I am willfully barging in on back room meetings of hidden sin and compromise and resistance that my soul wants to keep perpetuating until LIGHT gets in there, and rennovates the place. Bad words, scary pictures, lustful stirrings. UgggHHHH.

The good news is, that stuff dont go public unless something is poking at it. And something inside really does keep telling me He will win.