Life is Good

Life is good, and I just happen to be experiencing it consciously.

My girls and I are together for most of the next week at night and mornings. Their mom is working a lot (high time for bars and food places during the holiday and end of summer), and I get to have some time with just them.

Life is funny as well, as you dont realize how it subtly slips out of your hands. I probably havent spent this much alone time with my kids since I was married, but it used to be our normal life. Danielle has added so much to our lives, and the girls and I were talking about how good it has been. They both see really good things, far more than I can list here.

But there is something about isolating time with your kids, and just doing whatever, and enjoying each other. My kids are so fun, it is hard to describe. As the parent, and the "old man" Im a little slower, and a little grumpy. So I spend a lot of time catching up to my little personalities. But they are just a blast.

It has been just us for so long. Since June of 1998 (9 years) I have had the girls to myself.

At the very beginning for 1-2 years, I had them only about 35-40% of the time. It was so hard for me having a 7 month old and a 3 year old. Just going to Trader Joes felt like I was having a breakdown. There was so much going on in my life. I needed healing badly, and God was using this as the opportunity, so I was trying to be a parent while I was going through deep inner healing. I really felt like it was all I could do just to make sure they didnt die. I had so much internally (fear, anxiety, self hatred etc...) that I wasnt able to relax.

In retrospect, the kids were a lot better off than I thought in many ways. My hyper vigilance was false. But justmaking dinner, trying to give baths, put them to bed, it all seemed overwhelming.

Then we hit a magic time, right about when Judah hit 2-3. As soon as I didnt have diaper bags, things seemed easier. Along with it some thing were harder (Try the "Daddy I have to go to the bathroom" when it is just you, and you take 2 girls into a mens bathroom at the mall!!!). But my parents got us Disneyland passes, and Disneyland had family bathrooms. We could just pick up and go, and enjoy ourselves.

As time went on, it got a little easier and easier, and there was more routine. No more naps, the girls were a little more self reliant, and I was a little more busy. Going through a lot of healing, the worst of the breakdown was behind me, and God was starting to build a platform for my life to grow.

But I realize now, with the cessation of drama and intensity, I was filling my life up with things that wernt productive, and allowed me to disengage. A subtle internal shift away from interaction, and more isolation than I realized must have come in. Until Danielle came out here, I dont think I realized how I had been shutting off in little ways.

Now as Danie goes away for the longest time we have had apart, it is just me and the kids. And while I miss my baby a LOT (actually both my babies!), I am finding a renewed connection with my lovely girls. It is so much fun to be with them. Going to the store is fun, driving around, interacting with people. Just being. If you know them, you will realize what Im saying.

I love my kids. I am grateful I am with them. I ache at how many mistakes I have made, how many shortcomings I had in such critical developmental times in their lives, and how many still remain. Even last night in a sleep deprived state I said and did things I wish I hadnt. But I realize that regardless of those things, to be here right now, and enjoy them is precious.

I love my kids, but I also really LIKE them to. It is important to Love, but kids need to know you Like them too. And I need to tell them that again today.