Just what breakfast is like

I sat in my hotel restaurant eating food that I probably shouldnt, and my mind began to wander. I began to think about my wife, and I got so teary eyed I was debating getting back to my room and letting myself have a real good cry.

It is obvious to everyone who knows me how fortunate I am. They tell me this. They can see it. But the benefit to me is even less profound (if possible) than the reality of living with such a wonderful woman. I cannot explain how well she mediates love and affection and partnership to me. I guess we are still considered newlyweds, but it doesnt ever feel like it. It feels like a part of myself exists in another body, somewhere else.

Im not talking saccarhine sweet, sentimental type stuff. Im talking about the reality of being with someone, andit feeling o normal and natural, you dont always consciously experience being separate. Yet she is "other", because Im not loving myself, I am being loved. And being loved by a trustworthy, respected, safe, sincere person. She doesnt love me because she needs me, it would be silly to think that she needs me, as there is nothing I have to improve her. She doesnt love me with a hint of condescension, or fear. Just loves me, with quality, as if she isnt even trying to, just does.

All I could do is cry. All I could experience at that point was a real sense of Gods affection for me. I think GOd loves everyone He made, but it is hard to believe He loves anyone as much, or as well, as me. And I understand that more now than ever.

Then I think about my kids. About Israel, a woman who is my daughter. That is far different than a daughter who is a toddler, or a preteen etc... All this quality, wrapped up in such a wise, and personable heart. Such a good listener, and an even better advisor. She is far more perceptive than anyone else in the family, and she ha never bee anything other than joy for me to be with. I wish my own heart was easier to communicate, because the emotions I feel seem to be so deep, and hard to put simple words to.

Then you look at Judah. A living party. She is a daughter who is a preteen, and my second. I have a little advantage with her, because she is like me, but much more enjoyable She has a brain that is fascinating. She is as special and dear to me, as if the pieces Israel isnt, Judah is. Like a big complimentary piece of pie with ice cream. Judah has never hit her capacity that I know of. She is simply tremendous potential mentally, and personally, and it keeps peeking at me from around a corner. My life is full with her.

Then I realize Havah is here too. I have been so long with my 2, that I forget my baby. Yet another girl, and as cute as God made her sisters (if indeed that is possible for even Him to do it 3 times). This child is seeming like a personality mix between my olders, yet totally different as a person. She is appearing and emerging with quite a personality, a squawker, a friendly silly face that will almost always give a smile to you if you ask for one, and sometimes lately, without asking. IT is amazing to see a child with older sibling like Beba and Judah. The delight she is seeming to have with her sisters, and their attitude and behavior towards her is beyond price. I dont know what it is like to have older siblings, but I can only imagine the exerience as I see her.

I just get brought to tears. I am the man who did everything wrong, most of the time willingly, defiantly, even leading others. I seem almost crushed with Kindness. IT swarms at me emotionally at these times, seemingly out of the blue.

And all I can do is enjoy it. I dont even have confidence that I will respond in any true, effective way with righteousness or holiness. I have tried m best, and come up with nothing. I never seem able to do anything other than just get hit by a wave of realization that I am indeed fortunate, for reasons I dont seem able to understand or control.

And I ask God "I dont understand how you work. I want to understand how you think and work because this is to much for me" and I feel like He says "No. I made you to receive this, not comprehend it. Besides, if I told you how I work in this, you would take it and use it to run and direct and manipulate others."

I think I understand that. IT makes sense to me. It takes faith just to receive it, and enjoy it, and not have to understand it, and not try and position myself to direct it. I just need to be thankful, and enjoy it.