Pieces Missing....

I get Danie and Havah tomorrow....

It has been a long 7 days. And it has showed me some stuff...

1. I remember being very alone. Im 39+ years old now. I had been single for 2 years as an adult before I was married. Then I had a nightmare for 4 years punctuated by incredible blessings with the birth of my Israel and Judah. Then I had a really long period of time (8+ years) where I was single. It is hard ot be signle for many, and it was hard for me. Just being single has its challenges. My biggest problem is staying active and engaged. I simply just back down, and tune out. I have experienced the reality as well that being married to a broken person, as well as being very boken myself, is a nightmare almost, if not worse than, being single. However, I need to remember how hard it can be to be single as an adult, especially someone in their 30s. Just a reminder to me to make sure to reach out and bring those single folks in my life around as much as I can. We all need family in one form or another.

2. I remember being overwhelmed with my kids. As a single person dealing with my own issues, having kids on top was such a welcome focus. It interrupted my own dull world, and my own dead space. But it was also overwhelming. Israel and Judah are such blessings. As they have gotten older, it has become easier and easier to parent them. Aside from all my failings, an poor judgment as a parent, the joy of them overwhelms all other things. However, 4-5 years ago, I was drowning. I didnt even realize it. Being a parent is hard sometimes, being a single parent can feel like swimming with handcuffs. It is worth it, but can be very trying. Dont forget the single parents around you. Connect wth them, especially the ones that are the main parent, or the only one. Visit if you can, or have them over, or get them a break.

3. What a joy babies are. Havah is about ready to enter the toddler stage. Its a fun, but trying time. She seems to have taken on some of her mothers headstrong, willful personality traits (THAT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE). That makes it more challenging, yet she also seems ot have taken on some of the fun, silly aspects of her older siblings. But even without that, when a baby is around, things are always brought down to mroe simple levels, and everything seems like th efirst time. Opening a cupboard, banging a stick, saying something funny, even walking into a room with a bby who knows you can make them smile. The noises that babies make are unique, and when they are gone, the lack of theose noises somehow make things seem much nore dead.

4. What a joy my big girls are. It is becoming a lot of fun being with Israel. She is such a dear person to me. Sitting with her, listening to her, trying to think about the situations she is talking about, and how she is working through them. It is all so neat. I had no idea this would be so fun. Israel being such a great and sincere kid makes it much easier of course. I have joked for years about teenage years coming, but honestly, they might be one of my favorite seasons so far. When Isael was little, she was like music, walking around in and around my life. But there was a lot of turmoil too, lots of pain, and lots of fear. Now, watching her, and learning how to be with her as a woman, all that music has changed into a different song that is much sweeter, and much richer than I ever could imagine.

Judah is still like a walking party. Her brain goes so fast! And she has retaind one of the most precious aspects of her personality, the ability to get her sister and I laughing. She spazzed out the other day at the Post Office. She gets goin on something, and as much as Israel tries to act liek she is bothered, and as much as I try to keep up with her, at some point she is fully committed ot her own silliness that Israel starts laughing and egging her on, and I play the role of patronizing father trying to "bring her back to reality". Judah is also such a deep thinker. And she is so tenacious. And then just when I hit my limit, these beautifulm compassionaite, sincere feelings and thoughts being to come out of her, and you realize there are layers and layers to this girl/woman that are still coming forward.

5. Of course, what a joy Danielle is. I am experiencing the Proverb "He who finds a wife finds a good thing". My bet is, considering the Proverbs about nagging wives and women trouble, it is probably translated better "He who finds a good wife, finds a treasure". This isso clear to me and those around me. As Judah said "Dad, I dont mean to be offensive, but Danie is kind of the glue that holds us all together. When she is hear, the Living Room doesnt look like this". As she said it, she was pushing up against me trying to act out in the physical what she was saying, wrapping herself around me and trying to be like the "glue" around bircks in a wall.

Danie is my best friend, and after 3-4 years together, 1 baby, an ex-wife, and 2 pre teens, a corss country move, and financial trouble, still hanging with me and making me a better man. I enjoy her as much as I like her, and this time apart only proves to me how important she is.

6. Im not as dysfunctional as I was. WhenDanie would leave, for a few days before, I would get grumpy and frustrated. In reality I was reliving the tyranny of being alone, and even left alone. I would shut down, not go out of the house much, kind of regressing. Each time she would leave, Iw ould do a little better. This time, it hasnt been a strain at all except for the celar reality of missing her. Im still growing a lot, and this is proof.