My Baby is coming Back....Kinda

It isnt like this is where she is FROM, but in a sense she is coming back home. Or coming TO home. I dunno....

So we are planning on getting married Oct 28th in Ohio. I am more excited about the wedding as I let myself relax. It isnt that I dont like weddings so much, its that I dont like weddings at the expense of a marriage. A wedding has about as much to do with being married as going to church does about being a christian.

One is an EVENT, which is good. But the other is a LIFE, and those two arent self identical. They dont mean the same thing, and to talk about one and assume or believe internally that you are talking about the other is dangerous business. But to neglect one for the other, is almost as bad.

But Danie is a planner, and I am a spaz. Danie likes to bring things into consistency, and I like my perception of controlled chaos. I like it just on the edge of spinning out of control. Danie thinks this is all so fast, and she is having to adjust. I feel like this is going at a glacial pace.

Danie wants matching towels, and I think having 4 for 4 people is perfect, especially when they are all a different color so you know whos is whos. And the plates that I have I bought for a reason. I like them and they are CHEAP. And all my drinking vessels that arent for alcohol are plastic, so they dont break when they hit the ground.

But she wants things to match, and be nice, which stresses me out because they will break and get ripped, and when that happens to nice stuff it bothers me. But it REALLY bothers her that none of the towels match, and that there are plastic "glasses" everywhere, and my plates are all the same style, but different colors (which is neat to me).

In my younger years, I was actually so much of an oppressed ass that I wouldnt entertain alternatives, let alone discuss them, let alone surrender to them, let alone let myself ENJOY them. And by doing that, I manifested as a misogynistic monster that was unbearable to be around. I literally had to renounce that spirit, and I went through quite a few deliverances. Im serious.

But God is bigger than that, and bigger than me. And He is generous and patient. As Danielle talks about this stuff, I dont feel angry, or frustrated, or vicious or combative. I feel a little displaced, because I dont know how to think. But I dont feel BAD. I feel challenged. And a little bit astounded that there could be so much more to life than I understand, and it could be viable, even good, possibly even better than I can ask for or imagine. Sounds familar.

Like Im not able to comprehend stuff, so I hate and fear it. But then God is able to help me repent. And then I get to see more of Him, in many different ways, including via people. He has all these dreams and visions for me, but they are beyond my ability to ask or think (imagine), and so I cannot embrace them, and I reject them, and cling to the simple, pragmatic (for me), routine things that are a mere thin slice of reality.