Where does it all go???

Im struggling with the reality that Im not working much, yet it seems like I have no time... Nothing significant is getting done. Im confused...

Another piece of reality that is becoming clear is the nature of the curse of fallen man. The other day, I stopped whatever it was I was dong, sat down on the floor, and spent a few minutes wth Havah. It isnt like Havah doesnt just walk around and get attention from any of us, but I remember clearly having to do something, and making a happy detour. As she turned around, and slowly backed into my lap, talking about something while waving a sippy cup around, I had this realization.

This was what it was like in the Garden. Eden I mean. Admah didnt have to go work at something away from his family. He wasnt under any pressure to go "do" anything. There wasnt a prevailing concern about bills, a house, or anything else.

It isnt that he didnt work. They all did. But the work wasnt tied to their security, safety, or provision. Work was as much an outlet for creativity as anything else. I doubt seriously we would recognize it. What an unbelivable transition Adam and Eve had to make as they left Eden.

It is so precious to be at home right now. To be with Judah and Israel when they are at my house is so special. So much is changing with them, and it is so important to be with them, and especially to simply enjoy them. Havah is so special as well. In fact in my heart, it is even more special to see Havah wth her sisters. She brightens up even more than normal, and the interaction is so special.

Im starting to panic again. I go through cycles of confusion, as well as fear. If I was objective, I would probably be out trying to work 3 jobs, which wouldnt do enough to get us out of our hole yet. There is a part of me that would rather go down in flames than not see my kids. I have such a short window with the oldest right now, and I dont know what to do. But I realize that is part of being in a fallen world. It wasnt supposed to be this way, Im not really designed to understand or know all this. I am supposed to trust, obey, walk forward. My wife is such an inspirationw hen she says "Im committed not to worry". Im trying too...