Its like an apricot seed....

My heart is. Well, maybe my spirit. I dont know exactly what it is, but I know the place of connection (conscious connection) with God has gotten harder, and more distant, and more removed from every day life. It is an abnormal thing for me to have revelation any more, or to have a sense of the Love and Grace and wonder of God. And because of this, my life is unfruitful and uncentered.

Its like a seed. Not a kernel, but a seed. Like in an apricot, where there is the skin, then that weird flesh, then the kernel, then inside the kernel is the actual seed. It takes so much effort and decomposition to break down the kernel, and to get the seed to even sprout...

Recently watching the Onething conference on the television, I had some wonderful refreshing. I need that. Some people seem to have an intensity of focus and ability to get and stay refreshed by thing like reading the bible, or prayer. I have NEVER had that. It seems to take quite a lot of external intensity for me to get to a place of conscious connection with God. And I went through a few mini deliverances, and some little bursts of infilling. As soon as that happens, BAM I'm myself again. I can see and hear Him more. I have more awe and wonder and faith. I start to perceive so much more than the immediate of life.

It was encouraging and discouraging all at the same time. It is encouraging because there is still a seed there. When Holy Spirit moves enough, something way down deep in me responds. Way past words or thought. And it starts to breathe again. And it starts to feast.

It is discouraging in that there was seasons of my life where that was the norm. and somehow life has worked its way towards squeezing that down and out into a little corner of my heart, and I cannot access it. I realize that I have little faith for anything significant, and I have allowed ambivalence, and cynicism to have a soapbox to preach from in my heart.

As I hear these men and women who struggle and contend and fight to stay in that place pray and speak, I remember just how much revelation I have had. You must understand the TREMENDOUS GRACE that God pours out to me. It is shocking, and even a little offensive to me. I get bothered sometimes by how generous He is, when I honestly didnt ask for it, steward it well, or respond to most of it at all. When I hear the messages, I remember them! As I hear people share, little tiny things pop up in my memory about times God shared something similar, or that I came to realizations like that too. But somewhere along the way, I lost them.

So I fast now. For a long time. I dont know any other place to start. I need to crack the kernel. I cannot do it myself, I can just let go of the tree I have been hanging on, and drop to the ground. Then I can rot and decompose the flesh away, and then depend on the created order of things to take over and hydrate and dehydrate and attack this hard shell around my heart.

Yesterday as I started, I already didnt like it. There is anxiety and tension. Boredom and antagonism. I used to fast so much and so often I honestly couldnt remember if I was eating or not, if so, what, and how. I got to the point where I really did experience fasting out of heart sickness. What a great grace. I would give things up simply because I just loved Him so much, and had nothing to give. I believe at one point He even told me to fast fasting, because it had stopped serving its purpose! LOL.


I need the prayers and fellowship of people, and the Grace of God. I do believe God will help me. It is true he seeks out a heart that wants to be near Him. He does draw near when we do.