Im so confused?

What an interesting day so far (it is 10:03 am).

I woke up and went to a prayer meeting at a local group. From time to time, as God leads, I will go and pray. I started going about 3-4 weeks ago with a really strong word from God. I have been praying for this group off and on (mostly off) for about 18 months. Here is some back story:

I believe God made it clear to me that He was going to visit them. It was exciting! And in the midst of that, He rebuked me quite well. He looked at me and said "Im going to go visit them, want to come?" and I said "No", and He said "Ok" and turned and walked away. And He turned back to look at me over His shoulder. I realized that I was missing something somehow...

My history with this group, or at least some of the individuals, goes back almost 15 years. I love them, and care about them. But in my broken travels, I have come to some rather different perspectives about the nature of "The Church" and How it gathers, and Why etc... So for me, "attending" church doesn’t even compute any longer. In fact, at first, I was so disconnected from all the process and the language and the environment, I really felt out of place when Iwent to see what God was doing.

But I realized I should go and see what God was doing. He showed me through some very significant experiences that He was indeed going to move among that particular group, and that they were fairly unaware. They have lots of input about it, but for the most part, didn’t seem to realize the depth of the situation is, or at least on a different way than I did.

So I began to pray for them etc... and it became very hard. The "culture" of "Church" can be so varied that it can be a real impediment to connection. As well, I have my own baggage like everyone else, and I also prefer smaller, more flexible environments.

Anyhow, I burned out. I couldn’t take the conflict between what I saw God wanting to do and doing, and the actual situation. I simply don’t have the character or the temperament to really help or be fruitful, and really backed down.

Then God broke me during a recent fast, and I heard about this prayer group, and figured it was a good place for me to participate. Then I started getting so much revelation, and for the most part it was so well received, I actually blew a few circuits, and began to dominate the prayer meeting!!! UGGGHHHH. But thankfully, a little help and input from an old friend helped me stabilize.

This a.m., I really wanted to bring an IHOP CD for one of the men facilitating it, because I felt like it would help give some perspective on different types of intercession, especially long lasting, constant intercession. But I have given all of them away. When I got there, someone had brought one! WOW. And it was a hit.

Within minutes, people are really connecting with a flow. At one point I had to go cry a little, because it felt like I was releasing a little of a burden I had been carrying around for them.

Anyhow, someone came and asked me about IHOP, and as I explained to them, they asked me about hot people facilitate this type of thing. We talked about it, and they asked if it was something I could do. I’m fairly confident in what God has given me, and I have some experience on a basic level with similar things, so I explained I could in certain ways.

Then a conversation began that just unwound me. The question about "How committed to this church are you?", "How do you fellowship?" etc... and the view of submission, what that means etc... This is all happening within a prayer meeting! LOL.

I was so out of my head, all I could do is give some simple ideas about where I am at. It had been such a long time since I have had to think and articulate about all this, I found myself at a loss. Pat Terminology doesn’t help, how deep do we have to dialog, scripture references etc...

I am really confused. I think. I have had to go through such a reprogramming about what the Church is, How it works, what leadership is, what servanthood is, the nature of submission etc... But it doesn’t gel with the very part of the Body I have been given a burden for.

I don’t know how to navigate all this. I have at least 5-6 people who at any minute can call me up and tell me "You are out of line" and call me on something. Is that "submission"? I have deep relationships with people that know everything good and bad, and we talk regularly. Is that "accountability"? I have yet to have the wonderful experience of "mentoring", but I would love to have some input from someone farther on than me on a regular basis. I believe I should submit to everyone out of Love for Christ, not just a special thing for someone who has been appointed a "leader". I look for how to submit in any given situation, first to God, and then to however He is leading.

I don’t want to ever subjugate the preeminence of Christ as Head of the Body to myself, let alone to anyone else. I don’t want to ever get caught in another situation where the leading of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer is put up for grabs by men. Christ died for the individual, not anything else. To inject myself in that Holy relationship seems inconsistent with Scripture.

And I’m not a person looking for a mission. I’m not a resource waiting to be used by someone. I’m not a man looking for a purpose. In fact most of my calling has to do with those outside the Body, at least that is what has been made clear to me lately. I don’t know how long that will be.

Anyhow, I find myself really stumped. The only real thing I’m concerned about is following HIM. If he is saying "I don’t care about their structure, I don’t care about the details" then I should too. But I don’t understand what that means about how I am supposed to help and encourage and participate, if at all.