What do I despise????

Thank goodness for the IHOP, and the faithful people who show up and keep pushing. I am looking forward to more and more of my heart opening up and being able to stay connected and hungry so I can be counted among these nameless and faceless ones.

Getting the I got something stuck in the back of my mind, kind of like how you get something stuck in one of your back teeth, during either a worship with the word set, or someones faithful prayer.

Hebrews 12:2 (NIV)
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The part for me here is SCORNING

Other versions use slightly different words:

DESPISING (Darby Young (a favorite of mine), NAS,
DISREGARDING (NRSV)

This is just stuck in me. Scorning, Despising, Disregarding are all active. It isn't an afterthought. The way Holy Spirit is showing my heart about it is

Hold on a second. I just started crying as I wrote that. God is actually showing me something important to Him, about Himself, and helping me receive it, because He knows I wont even pay attention to Him without His help...

anyway...

God is showing this to me in a way like a picture. I see a bunch of people who have collectively decided that the epitome of shame is to be judged, found guilty, publicly ridiculed, hung naked, and suffer for whatever they judged you for, until you slowly suffocate under tremendous nerve damaged induced pain.

These people, whether knowingly or not, would look at someone on a cross, and feel revolted. Not at the death itself, but what must have put someone there. The death on a cross is bad enough, but if you are one of those people, you must be someone to be scorned, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, etc...

The cross is a symbol as much as an execution method. Out of all the other ways to kill, this exposed more of the suffering and agony to the public than anything due to its very nature... long, tortuous, elevated (literally), in the open area (not in a cell)...

And the picture I get is EVERYONE with a sneer on their face. Mention the cross, and int hat culture, its the full measure of everything people turn away from, and cant stand to look at.

And Jesus walks in, and basically says "All that shame and disgust you associate with what you think this represents is NOTHING TO ME. It isn't just nothing, I DESPISE ALL THE SHAME you associate with this. I TOTALLY DISREGARD your assessment of this, and what it represents. My response to your conclusions is SCORN. It is NOTHING, INSIGNIFICANT. Not only do I not follow your thinking, I am OPPOSED TO IT. It is STUPID THINKING, worthy of SCORN".

Not only does Jesus have totally different values about what we consider worthy of SHAME, He is ACTIVE about it. HE is opposed to it, to the point that the same look and attitude on the faces and in the hearts of people towards HIM, was similar to how HE felt about the SHAME they were projecting on Him.

God HATES shame. He disregards it, scorns it, despises it. Not the people, but definitely the shame.

Now I stop and think, and ask you to think.... What is the object of your shame? Someone Else's behavior? Your own? You yourself?

God doesn't hate you, but He hates the shame in your thinking. He is opposed to it to the extent He will willingly disregard it. The Cross wasn't just a demonstration of Gods heart, it was a flaunting (to principalities and powers even) of Gods disregard about what we place value and shame on.

The only pictures I have are someone with an attitude, flipping someone else off. It is a total disregard of the other thing. I cannot say God is a mocking person etc... but I know of no other way to picture it. God isn't arrogant etc.. but He simply doesn't give a RIP about what you think is shameful. He doesn't play by your rules, and He doesn't ascribe to your values. He loves you so much, but don't confuse the fact that He think like you.

Anyhow, this isn't developed enough, and I'm struggling. I cannot help but think about this, and ask you again... what do you despise? What do you disregard? For me, it is me. I walk around with a sense of shame about myself. Internally, externally, it doesn't matter. Shame is like a molecule floating around looking for other molecules to bond with, and attach itself too. And there are too many things in me that are waiting for it to connect.

But Jesus (and therefore Holy Spirit and Father) hates shame. He doesn't participate in that. He looks at me, and sees His joy. He looks at the Father and sees ultimate joy in obedience and being a blessing to Abba. And in light of that, the shame people attach to their own conclusions is silly to the point of being scorned and disregarded.

I guess as He helps me see joy in Him, and His heart, what people (including myself) attach shame too will not only seem silly, I will oppose it to the point of sacrifice.

Here is what I have so far...

Different people have brought some things to my attention, and Im starting see a thread...

24 hours after getting here to KC, we found ourselve in a prayer meeting with many people, almost none of whom are from California, who are all gathering and preparing with a burden for California. They all either have direct experience, sovereignly, with 9/11, Hurrican Katrina, and the tsunami that hit a few years ago.

We were stunned at both the vision, the burden, and the lack of wild eyed judgement in these people. Many of them are simply grieving about what God is telling them about California. They are all paying their own way to become certified with the federal government, as well as trained inother capacitied in order to be used "inside the yellow tape". Additionally, the favor God is showing them with reagrds to finances, resources, and practical details would shock you. What I picked up during that meeting is a progressive series of "birthing pangs" about to hit California, that will increase in intensity and ferocity over the next 5-10 years. I have yet to discern this, but thatwas what I got.

This is combined with some very heavy words, and prophetic experiences people around IHOP and The Call have had recently that are quite direct.

Then, (in hindsight), we find that around 9 days ago, the Governor of California signed this…

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=58185

essentially creating an atmosphere in public school that has an unbelieveable potential to program and influece children into what many of us beleive to be directly immoral, and broken behavior. I do not personally consider these lifestyles and patterns to be any more sinful than religiosity, jusgementalism, and other things. I do however maintain a vigilance that endorsing any sin is unrighteous, no matter what it is, and these particular scenarios lead to extreme destruction for the individual.

Approximately 3 days later, The Call in Las Vegas happenned. No one I know of is yet praying for judgement. There will be a time that will happen, but I dont know anyone being told by God to do this yet. However, this is a solemn assembly, and repentance and confession is primary to this movement, as well as intercession. This event was technically in Nevada as well. However, according to someone who was present, there was an odd wind that come either in, or around the venue. More on this later...

Las Vegas is on the I-15 highway, which runs south right down into San Diego....

Within a day or so, fires started appearing, and they were primarially (as I understand it) caused by a Santa Ana condition, winds from the desert that are hot, dry, and fairly strong.

The origin of Santa Ana winds can be understood by some as "Devil Winds", which tend to travel down the I-15/215 pass in Cajon.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1915800/posts

However, you could interpret the name "Santa Ana" as "Saint Anne (Ann or Anna, which is a greek variant of Hannah). The idea of Anna is central to the IHOP. Anna was an intercessor who prayed and fasted in the temple, and really has a symbolic connection tot he praqyer movement God is raising up progressively worldwide.

As the Santa Ana winds picked up, fires started in several places, but most noticeably in San Diego, and Malibu. They are continuing even now, with over 1 million people evacuated,w hich to my knowledge is the largest evacuation I know of in California.

6-7 years ago, I had a vision of fire running north fromthe Mexican border along the 5 freeway, hitting the 101, and then splitting into 2 paths, one up the central valley, and the other up the coast.

Many of the people I know in the church are not prepared or have a grid for the idea of God bringing revival and renewal int he midst of judgement and destruction. A group of people I was praying with recently in the South Bay interpreted every image of flood and such as the Holy Spirit, which Im sure it was, but I believed than as I do now, that it could be both Holy Spirit. and a literal flood.

There will be much more connections in hindsight to this. Currently, all I have heard about is property loss. thank God. However, if there is no Grace poured out, the next time will be worse. People losing their homes must be awful. And yet to take Scripture literally, it is far better to lose that and gain your soul. Part of Grace being poured out for me is to realize Gods hand, and turn. some of the most significant times of Gods hand in my life have been associated with physical pain and trial.

I believe God will do everything in His power to turn the heart of someone, as gently and graciously as possible. But He is determined, jealous, and unafraid. If there is no other way but pain, I am grateful to know He will go there with me. Literally with me, alongside me, suffering as well.

Prepare your hearts. Dont be offended. Get oil. Be ready.

Blood Pressure and Orphans

On the way here, from here, I had a thought when I was here, listening to this guy talk about this place, and the prophetic destiny I was about to step into and participate with for a season of my life.

There was a part about "no disease known to man will stand int his place", which obviously hasnt yet been fulfilled. But regardless, there is a contention for the reality to manifest.

Then the speaker launched into stories upon stories of giving,a nd how God is going to supernatrually delight us in multiplying our giving, and capturing our heart and our affections by helping us see how He wants to fund His work through us, for mostly no other reason than to inspire awe and trust and confidence in His character.

It occured to me that we spend so much in money, resources, time, energy etc... about our infirmities. I dont know how much money hypertension has cost me, but it isnt insignificant. How much energy have I lost? How much time? How much intensity?

I thought about the reality that as people get healed, it frees up a lot of resource, especially direct money. If I am living in a palce where the pwoer of God is sutaining me, I dont need to devote a bunch of resources to things that dont produce any fruit in the Kingdom.

I had a picture in my mind that someone was disease stricken, in the Healing Rooms, and before they were prayed for, they were counseled to consider that AFTER (this is key) they devote the things God points out to them that were used to support them in their sickness to things that build the Kingdom. Money, yes, but in some cases it is more like energy, effort, excercise, time with others etc...

The key here is AFTER, because Im not at all a fan of the idea we could somehow "buy" our healing. It was bought and paid for. God will heal us no matter what, to His own desire.

But I thought about the literal billions and billions of dollars spent and lost in sickness and disease, and the billions and billions needed for care for orphans and adoption, the spread of the Gospel by sending people etc....

On Sunday I went here, and they made an aggressive effort to pray for the sick. God really touched me, and I realized how hard hearted, and unbelieving I am about getting healed. I have done all I can responsibly. It feels impossible to maintain my diet correctly, and event hen, while my high blood pressure improves, it hasnt gotten tothe point where I can get off medication, in fact I had to increase it.

These people prayed me into the floor. All of us got a sense that God was doing somethng progressively. God showed me the number 25.68. I think this is very close to the amount I payed for Lisinopril without insurance, which I cannot afford right now without great effort. God spoke to me about my need to beleive in healing,a nd my need to be able to pray for the sick with faith, and see Him in this light.

I have committed to giving that amount of money, indefinitely, to an orphanage. I beleive I will get progressively more and more dizzy, meaning my blood pressure will get lower, and I will have to lower my medication, until I am off it. I plan on contending for healing, so that I am not restrained financially, energy wise, resource wise etc... and am able to give more and experience more in the Kingdom.

Either way, I win....

Blogs, BLogs, Blogs

Its official, the girls have blogs....

http://judahland.blogspot.com/

http://izzylou.blogspot.com/

Im not sure how my heart is processing this as a Parent. I guess kids all have to grow up some time.... snifff...snifff. snifff....

a po box...

We have an address. We had to fake a lease froma friend. The logic is, you cannot have a PO BOX, unless you have an ADDRESS. And you have to have a utility bill, lease agreement, etc... if you want one.

Why one needs a PO Box if they already have an address is silly. I know some of the reasons, but why someone who doesnt have an address needs a PO BOx is obvious.

Sean Henry or Danielle Wheeler
Master Solutions, LLC
Judah or Israel Henry

etc...

PO Box 480552
Kansas City, Mo 64148

We are also living in a house owend by some friends. Thankfully, they couldnt rent it out, and we have it month to month for a few months. The basement idea didnt work, and we were all just getting stressed.

Things are going better here than California! We got out just in time. In future posts Im going to try and break down the things we are learning here about the burden people have had for California. Had I known this in advance, It hink I would have been worried. At the risk of sounding alarmist, there is some serious intensity going on here among some people with a big burden about California, and impending judgments and disasters. We met with some, and you wouldnt believe the organization and the Grace God is putting on it.

Then we have this fire all of a sudden, right after many of us got together and discussed ideas and plans, and prayed. I would seriously encourage our friends in California to prepare your hearts, and ask God if there is any place in your heart you are blocked from seeing God, and His heart. It might become very easy to get offended soon, and that would be such a heartbreaking thing to go through.

This old man, he played bass..

Well I sat in with a bunch of crazy youngins to play bass on a team at the new prayer room. I havent played bass with a team of musicians except for a conference this year, in probably 10 years.

It is a neat set up, and I felt pretty good. Having been playing guitar, and all my crazy gear, alone primarialy, for the last 3-4 years has had an interesting effect on my playing. In some ways, I have had to be more melodic, and more broad in my approach, and in others I havent had to pay attention to anyone else.

Sitting in this practice room, with these music academy students, interacting and playing was quite a treat. There are so many guitarists here that bass is a real need. And like most guitarists, I dont enjoy bass as much. But it is simple enough I can play, and engage. And I can get my chops and my ear back up to speed and get expressive. I havent played under an anointing like this for this long of a time before, so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

The kids on the team are really sweet. They need some seasoning, which is funny for me to say! It is hard when you focus on learning your own instrument, and theory, and all sorts of instruction to stop and remember to play the song, the groove, the flow, not just your instrument. I had to remember that too!!!

I guess after I left, Kurt (the leader) told me they guitarist and the drummer said something like "He has some old school in him, I hope he brings that out"! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I am an old school bass player. And I kind of like it! Even as I write this, I feel Holy Spirit touch my heart, and Im cryinging! What a long, strange trip it really has been.

Speaking of long strange trips, I see The Call is looking to go to Berkley, Ca. I just saw it, and my heart burst. I was there 20 years ago, tripping on LSD walking up and down those streets. Honestly, I had a pretty good time, despite the fact I was in sorcery, delusion, and about to lose my mind and God knows what else.

What wild place Im in as a person, living in as a community, experiencing as an environment and a culture.

Mrs Kansas City

My lovely wife is DEFINITELY the winner of Mrs Kansas City. Not only is she beautiful, poised, articulate, witty, charming, and totally intelligent, she is such a blessing to me, and to the kids. Even pregnant, and tired, she is relentless at making things nice for us, in so many little ways it is hard to list them all.

We are living out of a bedroom in a basement of some wonderful people who have had to endure quite a lot, 2 adults, a hyper dog, a couple kids, in and out, loud etc... We get to hang with these people, and to be honest, I almost wish we could stay for longer.

We went to a corn maze last night, that literally had 4 sectors, 2 of which were 4.1 miles long!!!. We went with a bunch of people that are so precious and interesting! I havent been around 8-10 single people all mixed together in a long time. Watching the dynamics reminds me of my life over 15 years ago.

Back to my wife. She is exhausted, pregnant, out of sorts with no place to call her own. We are having the kids overnight for the first time in KC, and I got soem time hanging out with the girls while Danie went home. Judah is entertaining all the adults, Israel and I are hanging out, and we realize it is past 10 pm. We go home, and the whole room is arranged with beds, blankets, pillows etc.. for 4 people, in a space that makes our last home look palatial. We all settle down (including the dog) and sleep all night.

On a good day, this would be hard. Pile all this stuff on top, add the fact she is working here, and my wife is definitely 1st Place for Mrs Kansas City.

Here I am...

Sitting in the Prayer Room, working... And Im beginning to cry.

Im doing my job in a way I have always wanted to do it, in a place I have always wanted to be. Im sitting in an environment where 100+ people are singing to God, angels are moving and stirring around, and Im sitting in the side of the room feeling my heart start to soften up as I amwriting custom reports!!! LOL.

People are pacing right near me, singing and praying in the Spirit. All I can hear is "You are Worthy". It is as if I am a database programmer in Heaven, sitting in a corner of the Throne Room and the angels and the Redeemed are flying around my peripheral vision and we are all doing what we are supposed to do.

Thsi is a sweet thing. So much so, that my heart isnt caught up with how heavy this is. The reality of my situation is slowly leaking into my conscious experience. It is surreal. I am playing catch up with my own life. Well, maybe I am playing catch up with the life God is living in me, and it is becoming progressively more concrete.

How long has God desired to give me this? How long was He waiting to bless me like this? How much pleasure does it give me to give my kids a dog, listening to them ask me over and over again, knowing inside my heart I already have one coming, and they dont know it. As an earthly father, I get this. How mcuh more does God feel the absolute pleasure of giving something special to His child? How mcuh joy is waiting for me that is currently stored up in heaven? How many surprises are in store for me tomorrow?

How many desires is God about to put into my heart, JUST SO HE CAN GRANT THEM OUT OF HIS ABUNDANT LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR ME???? JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES TO LOVE ME? JUST BECAUSE HE CAME AND GOT ME FIRST, BEFORE I EVER LOVED HIM?

And how much more of this is based not on my own ability to keep my life together, to do it right, to be a "good boy"? I tell you, I am a failure. I am a weak broken man who cannot maintain even a mediocre standard of behavior or faithfulness compared to most of the people around me, in the body of Christ or outside of it.

If you read this, all I can do is pray that you look at yourself and start to have you well defended, convienient, convoluted, self deceptive, mistaken ideas and walls ed so the reality of the Lover standing outside your gates can start penetrating. I dont care anymore what reasons you have for your own sense of disqualification from the Grace and Love of God who made you to love you, spend Himself on you, and bless you. You wont ever do it right enough, nor will you ever be able to avoid the Truth that He wants you no matter what you want.

Little Updates from the Prairie

Well we got here last night, right about 8:30pm. I didnt remember another time change, so it worked out about right.

As I passed Metcalf avenue on the 435 south, I began to feel overwhelmed. That was the first thing I visually recognized, and I think it made it all real.

Then as I passed the Bohlenders house, I realized I was here. How many times have I driven up and down Holmes, Red Bridge, etc... and wished and dreamed I could live here? How many silent prayers and whispered desires have happenned on these streets, and how many of them, according to my perception, fell on either "deaf ears" (as if God has such a thing), or simply just "that will never happen, stop making yourself hurt" type of ideas.

Now Im here. And I dont know why. I know some of why, but I realized I really dont know much of it. My kids are here, my wife is here (first time she and I are here "together"), even my ex-wife is here. Heck this week, even my ex-wife's brother and sister inlaw and nephew are here!

I had a much better time driving than I thought. Thank goodness for Kathie "Everything they say about her is true" Wheeler!!!!!! I simply asked here if she could somehow come and help us drive the cars, which would give Danielle a bunch of time with her favorite person. What actually ended up hapenning is she came, packed up almost every loose article of property in our house, and then proceeded to drive hours at a time with our dog in the car to help me by sharing Danielle for a bit. Literally, iif she hadnt been there, we would probably be getting to Denver about now, and really hurting.

Anyhow, it is taking time for things to set it. It feels like I am on just an expensive road trip (a REALLY expensive one). But I see my kids hanging out with Christina Ortega, around a bunch of young s fasting, praying, living on the edge and going for God, hearing how they "went to church today" and saw Lou Engle preach and pray and prophesy about abortion, and the stand we need to take etc... seeing my wife with her friends, it is all like a dream. But I have nothing in California except for a motorcycle (which I might need soon, Dorothy the Dodge Caravan really worked hard getting over the Vail pass). I cannot just move back.

Anyhow, I know I need to seek revelation about Justice, and the role it plays in healing and salvation, as well as practical steps to communicate the concept and engage it in the simple walk after Christ, help people devoted to prayer and fasting, and see what God does.

Its packing day

Today, a big trailer is coming to my house. They will leave it there for a while, until I tell them "Take my stuff to Kansas City". Then I drive 1600 miles to meet them there, and unload it into a barn, and then find a place to live. Then go unload the barn, and load my house. Then unpack.

I have never moved a long distance. You have one shot. Thankfully, Kathie (Kathy) "Everything they say about her is true" Wheeler came into town, and packed up our kitchen. Danielle and her got a lot done, and today is my day. Being a "husky" Lithuainian, it is my objective to load big heavy things, and try not to break them.

Then we drive. And drive, and drive. The boring part. Me and Zeb in Dorothy the Dodge Caravan, and Danie and Kathie in "Mabel" (Dont tell Danielle I called it that) the Mazda.

Los Angeles to St George Utah, St George to Grand Junction, Co, Grand Junction to Arvada, and then a big push from Arvada to Kansas City, Mo. The Bohlenders do this kind of crazy stuff all the time, but not me. Im a baby.

What am I going into? As far as I can tell, a season of preparation. All indicators point to a time of life that is going to bring all the loose ends and areas that arent quite as mature up to the level other parts of my life are developed. Its a neat picture. There is a reason why things in my life are retarded, and it is mainly discipline, and consistency. bith of which are difficult for me to maintain without a lot of stimulus.

I have gained a lot of weight back since The Call. The majority of this year has been spent in fasting of one kind or another, with lots of revelation and fruit. It will soon be time to incorporate that into my life in more direct ways. Being around intense people, with an external strucutre will help a lot. I lack that in my life. Being the least prophetic person in the room at any given time will be quite a nice change of pace. Training my ears to the Spirit is something I need desparately.

I might get a chance to play music, howevermy main call is to play outside the Body. But there is a real parallel to what the IHOP does inside its walls (and it is VERY needed), and what God has shown me to do is something very similar, but in a way that is more directly understood by people outside that environment. It is hard to detox from "Christianeese" but it will be an integral part of navigating the calling in my life.

We get to help all sorts of intercessors, I want to volunteer in the kitchen making food for crazy teenagers, buying houses and renting them, on and on... Judah wants a treehouse, Israel would love a horse.

All I know is God is taking us on an adventure, and it is a progressively intense one. It isnt a bunch of new ideas, but more of a developing of existing ideas, and an integration of them into a constant lifestyle, rather than an event.

How does a miracle happen???

I dont know. But I think Im seeing one happen...

A friends child (Jenai) is adopted from China. She was saving up for an IPOD.

Another set of friends is adopting from China. We get together and pray and engage God for this child to come home here to the US.

We put whatever money we have into a jar. Jenai goes and gets a ziploc bag full of her money. She kneels down on the floor, and dumps her precious savings in the jar, along with a little teddy bear. She then stands up, and prays for Baby Hope.

Call me sentimental, call me whatever you want. But I cannot imagine that God just sat there and watched a child who had been redeemed, give her little bit for another child, and did nothing...

Even I as an earthly, fallen man am provoked. And to see a Chineese woman come in, and call her out in her native language. Wow. And to see the body of Christ come together and agree over this child, 1 out of a billion, is just neat.

This is a fantastic story about adoption

This is the story of my friends the Phillips family. They are in this right now, and can use all the help and financial support possible If you wanted to ever see a miracle, or be a part of one, this will do it.

http://www.tmphillips.com/adoption/hope/the-story/

Its getting real all the tiiiiimmmmeeee....

Things are getting more.... real. Good, but more true, sharper, more solid.

Moving is becoming a reality. Thankfully, I/we planned very aggressively. Too Aggressively. Wouldnt you know it, but God is more generous and helpful than we believed????

And pregnancy is catching up with Danie. She is tired, and a little sick. Not throwing up sick, but a little nauseous. And her little tiny belly is getting a firm little pocket in there! She woke up the other day, and I looked at hear and realized she is probably the most beautiful woman I ever saw. She doesnt seem to think so, which is really to my advantage! My new nickname for her is "Mrs. Kansas City". I realized, thankfully, she cant be "Miss Kansas City".

The kids went to scholl for the last day yesterday. It is odd. I wish we had decided BEFORE they started school, but it wasnt possible. We had fun with it. At least I did. When I told the school district they were leaving, they asked me where they were going. I asked them "does it matter?". I almost asked them "Is it any of your business?", but I need to be polite.

I had an altercation with an old man a few days ago. My dog wasnt ont he leash, and I didnt see anyone else in the park. After we threw the ball for him, I looked up, and there was a couple with a dog. I was bummed because I knew if Zeb saw them, he might go over there, and I didnt want anyone to be offended. I tried really hard to keep calm and see if I could get him to come back to me. But he saw them, and took off. I shouted "He isnt agressive, hes a puppy, he loves other dogs". The lady looked at me like I was a criminal, picked up her dog, and they kind of freaked.

I ran over there, apologized, and they started yelling. I told them I was very sorry, I didnt see anyone there, and wouldnt have let him off the leash. They kept scolding me, and I tried to be really paitent. I got Zeb and Danie came to get him with the leash. The guy picked up the ball that Zeb had dropped, and threw it over my head into the trees! I was in such shock, I turned around, looked at him (It must have looked like I was going to kill him), and yelled "HEY".

He jumped back, and the look on is face was unreal. He looked like I just pulled out a gun. THANKFULLY, somehow I calmed right down. Normally, my impulse control problems seem to really short circuit at that point. Honestly. But somehow, and it had to be divine, I relaxed. But I think this old guy thoguht I was going to beat him.

I did grab his arm, but really gently, and told him "I dont know why you did that. It sure doesnt help things. If I were a belligerent dog owner who doesnt care about anyone else, that would have lit me up. Im totally wrong in this, but what you did didnt help".

The guy didnt waver. He kept coming verbally. I tried to calm the situation down. He was STUPID. I have never hit anyone in a fight type of thing in my life. I probably wouldnt be able to do it very werll! But if I hadnt calmed down,. I would have put my fist right through that guys chest. And I would have felt so bad and guilty! UGggggghhhh..

On the way home, I realized how much more I could have done to apologize. And how thankful I was for the look of fear on is face.Had he not reacted that way, I might have intensified the issue, and it would have been terrible.

You just dont realize what you are capable of. Had my flesh gotten its way, I could have hurt that man so badly, and carried that the rest of my life. It was MUCH better to be slighted. I was wrong the whole timem, regardless of what he did. I just couldnt believe after him getting the poop scared out of him, he wouldnt relent. And I cannot believe how fleshly I am. That isnt the kind of man I want to be.

I want to be like my new nephew Patrick, who defends his sister from high schoolers teasing her and scaring her in the pool, and protecting other kids from bullies at school. I want to be like Jesus, and love that guy so much right from the start that I dont have anything to repent from, and possibly even be able to rejoice becuase he tasted love and was better off even for a little thing like that.

Oh yeah

Be careful what you pray for, because God is way gooder than you realize...

Im a messssss.....

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

It really doesnt matter what you turn from...

Repentance has nothing to do with what you turn from, only who you turn to...

No one in heaven cares what you turned away from, and they dont even think about it. You do.

Its all about the good part, not the bad. So lets get over ourselves, making separation and distinctions about our own sin, and lets focus entirely on Who we are turning to. Its all about the solution, not the problem.

The Little things

Yesterday praying for someone, I really felt like God explained something to me, and its an interesting concept.

God sees when we are fatihful in the little things. We always take that verse "He who is faithful with little will be given more". Different versions say it slightly differently.

Anyhow, I have always imagined this as "I will get lots of little things, and if Im faithful, I will get progressively more and more to be faithful with".

But in reality, life is a big bag of big and little things. And the truth is, when something is a big thing, we intuitively steward that more than other things. If we dont, then we are lazy, and slothful, a different issue. But when things are small, we tend to let those drift.

But God isnt like that. He loves every little thing. He tracks every sparrow, hair, and any other little thing.

So I think the underlying issue is God is saying "I track every little thing, and it is important to me as every big thing. And when I see you trying your best with the littler things, I can see how you desire to be like me. And by that, you are faithful and I will give you more."

I dont know if it means more things that are "bigger", or more "little" things, or maybe even more of something else entirely different.

But the point here is the idea of faithful. Not perfect. Not accomplished. Not even able. Just faithful. In the little things. The little yes and no things every day. And He sees them ALL. And He appreciates them ALL. And He rewards them ALL. Because He loves to reward. He loves to find an excuse to bless you, and love you, and increase you. And when the Father sees someone that desires (whether they are successful or not) to be like His son, He SMILES and sends even more to them.

Some people need to be encouraged in this. Every time you desire not to react to your children driving you crazy, and try your best just to dial down and help them, HE SEES. Every little gesture of hope or encouragement you offer, every little "cup of cold water", is instantly seen and heard in heaven, because thats exactly what Jesus is like.

My Babys back

Well, I mean she is back here. She has a great back (ummm....) but I mean shes coming home. Im going to get her in about an hour.

She has been gone far too long. But Joycelyn is worth it. And turns out Danie needed a trip, as it will probably be a long time before she can take off for 10 days by herself.

Life is about to change in so many ways, some of which I cannot list here yet. The baby sure will change things. My daughters are the BEST! It is going to affect them for sure, and yet they seem to be getting a little excited. A baby having a sister like Israel and Judah is going to have some of the best things in the world. YOu can see that already in their little cousins, who adore them.

Just think about a baby getting attention from Israel all day. That girls can make a baby squeal from 50 yards. And having a wild sister like Judah LION! Sheeesssh.

God is moving in our lives, in so many ways. In hindsight, this will be a tremndous season. At the moment, it seems wild and oscillating between hope and vision and "HOW IS GOD GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?". We have lots of friends who live much farther out than us, but for me, life is getting fun, and stretching me.

Life is Good

Life is good, and I just happen to be experiencing it consciously.

My girls and I are together for most of the next week at night and mornings. Their mom is working a lot (high time for bars and food places during the holiday and end of summer), and I get to have some time with just them.

Life is funny as well, as you dont realize how it subtly slips out of your hands. I probably havent spent this much alone time with my kids since I was married, but it used to be our normal life. Danielle has added so much to our lives, and the girls and I were talking about how good it has been. They both see really good things, far more than I can list here.

But there is something about isolating time with your kids, and just doing whatever, and enjoying each other. My kids are so fun, it is hard to describe. As the parent, and the "old man" Im a little slower, and a little grumpy. So I spend a lot of time catching up to my little personalities. But they are just a blast.

It has been just us for so long. Since June of 1998 (9 years) I have had the girls to myself.

At the very beginning for 1-2 years, I had them only about 35-40% of the time. It was so hard for me having a 7 month old and a 3 year old. Just going to Trader Joes felt like I was having a breakdown. There was so much going on in my life. I needed healing badly, and God was using this as the opportunity, so I was trying to be a parent while I was going through deep inner healing. I really felt like it was all I could do just to make sure they didnt die. I had so much internally (fear, anxiety, self hatred etc...) that I wasnt able to relax.

In retrospect, the kids were a lot better off than I thought in many ways. My hyper vigilance was false. But justmaking dinner, trying to give baths, put them to bed, it all seemed overwhelming.

Then we hit a magic time, right about when Judah hit 2-3. As soon as I didnt have diaper bags, things seemed easier. Along with it some thing were harder (Try the "Daddy I have to go to the bathroom" when it is just you, and you take 2 girls into a mens bathroom at the mall!!!). But my parents got us Disneyland passes, and Disneyland had family bathrooms. We could just pick up and go, and enjoy ourselves.

As time went on, it got a little easier and easier, and there was more routine. No more naps, the girls were a little more self reliant, and I was a little more busy. Going through a lot of healing, the worst of the breakdown was behind me, and God was starting to build a platform for my life to grow.

But I realize now, with the cessation of drama and intensity, I was filling my life up with things that wernt productive, and allowed me to disengage. A subtle internal shift away from interaction, and more isolation than I realized must have come in. Until Danielle came out here, I dont think I realized how I had been shutting off in little ways.

Now as Danie goes away for the longest time we have had apart, it is just me and the kids. And while I miss my baby a LOT (actually both my babies!), I am finding a renewed connection with my lovely girls. It is so much fun to be with them. Going to the store is fun, driving around, interacting with people. Just being. If you know them, you will realize what Im saying.

I love my kids. I am grateful I am with them. I ache at how many mistakes I have made, how many shortcomings I had in such critical developmental times in their lives, and how many still remain. Even last night in a sleep deprived state I said and did things I wish I hadnt. But I realize that regardless of those things, to be here right now, and enjoy them is precious.

I love my kids, but I also really LIKE them to. It is important to Love, but kids need to know you Like them too. And I need to tell them that again today.